What follows is the result...
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Derrick Turnbow
Pitcher, Milwaukee Brewers
Miller Park
Milwaukee, WI
Dear Derrick-
My letter is an attempt to gather answers to several questions I have regarding your role with my local baseball team, the Milwaukee Brewers.
I watched you play in the game against the Cubbies on Tuesday night and was overwhelmed by a barrage of thoughtful questions regarding aspects of your play, your appearance, and more importantly, what types of snacks are offered to players in the dugout.
From the little time I’ve spent intently observing you on my HDTV on the pitcher’s mound, I’ve realized that you’re not a very consistent pitcher. I don’t know much about pitching, or about baseball in general, by it seems like you’re not very good at what role you play on the team? Maybe you should practice some more. Additionally, you may learn a great deal from others who have been pitchers, like yourself. I wouldn’t be surprised if they gave pro bono advice, but you might have to pay them a couple bucks. Guys like Dennis Eckersley, Oral Hershiser, Rollie Fingers and Teddy Heguira could offer some advice. They know a lot about successful pitching.
I also noticed that you don’t seem to care much about your appearance. You should really get a haircut and stop hiding that mop under your baseball cap. Pushing your side hairs further towards your face only emphasizes cool sideburns that you don’t have. Help me to also understand why you avoiding shaving your chin? Maybe a makeover project is in order? 2 million can go a long way in helping you to feel AND look good.
More importantly, I wonder if there are snacks provided to players in the dugout? Maybe twinkies, beef jerky sticks, trail mix, popsicles or root beer floats? Maybe a local food product company would be willing to sponsor snacks for your team, or maybe players could take turns bringing treats for the rest of the team. This would improve team morale and give those players a chance who didn’t have dinner, a redeeming, nutritious snack.
7 comments:
Too funny! I just sprayed redbull all over my desk when I read the last part, suggesting that players take turns bringing in a treat!
It's only fair...
Monnie - those are the same types of things I wonder about when I watch sports. I think Jim should submit the letter.
Carrie
having worked for the major league baseball cardinals, i can tell you that the dugout has literally every sort of snack food imaginable. there was an entire wall dedicated strictly to gum - every kind of gum you could want. and you should have seen the food spread on sundays. the whole thing is like a fraternity softball cookout magnified.
Jon-
Are you yankin' my chain?
not even slightly.
Derrik is a rock star. When he was at the top of his game we cheered his flop mop and his occasional back stop pitch. As for the snacks, great idea to have a pot luck. I think the players would really get into it. I can just see Jenkins- "I'll bring the jerky."
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